I went to bed last night with haunting feelings of uneasiness. I woke up with the same torment this morning maybe even a bit worse than last night. I pledged to deal with these thoughts as soon as possible.
After dragging one child out of bed with another hanging on to my leg we made it through the morning with only two or three meltdowns. Rhett was out the door with nothing but ovaltine in his stomach however I figured the two quarters in his pocket for the bake sale should help tide him over until lunch. Emmie was a bit more challenging as usual. Finally after trying out juice in three different cups she settled on cran-apple in the blue sippy cup with a butter and jelly sandwich and Weeble Wobbles for entertainment. At last I had a moment to figure out what was going on in my head.
I love to journal and write in general so I decided to write down each thought on a piece of paper just so I could organize them and visually see what was causing my fret. They ended up taking a whole page. At the bottom of the page I wrote "Lord, here they are now what?" I won't get into any specifics here. Basically they ranged from lost library materials to terrible twos to some deeper issues taking root in my heart. I picked up my Bible and journal and "page of woes" and did the best I could to offer them up to the Lord. I found Hope.
Back in January I decided to read the "red words" of the Bible this year. I really wanted to focus in on when Jesus spoke and what he had to say. Today I was on Matt. chapter 27. I've been trying to limit my reading to one chapter a day because the gospels record Jesus' words a lot. Generally one chapter provides more than enough verses for me to reflect on. However chapter 27 only had two verses. One being only a few words and then Jesus' last words "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" I realized in that moment that deep down I felt that way. It comforted me to know that Jesus felt that same way too and understands how I feel. For the first time this year I decided to keep reading on to the next chapter.
Chapter 28 only had a few words as well. Jesus' very next words recorded in the gospel of Matthew after feeling utterly abandoned were "do not be afraid." And then at the end of the chapter he says, "be sure of this, I am with you always, even to the end of age." I was reminded of the hope we have in Jesus resurrection which we celebrate on Easter Sunday. I was reminded of God's faithfulness in my life. My experience has been that even when times seem hard there is always a new day ahead. I find it profoundly cool that even Jesus can go from total despair to total joy and that I know how the story of Jesus ends. That yes he suffered beyond all but that's not the end of the story.
After reading I went back to my "list of woes" and wrote over them in big letters, "HOPE." I still have to deal with each one of them but now with a new perspective. Rather than feel despondent I have hope. Not hope in the outcome of any specific circumstance but hope in the knowledge that Jesus understands my pain, he is with me and God is faithful. I think the following lyrics say it best.
"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"
by Edward Mote, 1797-1874
My hope is build on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and rightousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is shifting sand.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is shifting sand.
When he shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in him be found,
Clothed in his rightousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is shifting sand.
