My Perfect Love

With Valentines Day tomorrow I started reminiscing of past Valentines Day memories. I've had some doosies.

Hands down my worst Valentines Day was about fifteen years ago. This is starting to make me sound very old. I was dating a marine for a month or so and we made plans to hang out at my condo and watch movies on Valentines Day. I made homemade decorated sugar cookies for him cut out in heart shapes with cheesy, lovesick sayings on them. That afternoon he called and told me he was not going to be able to come over. For some reason I cannot remember the sorry excuse he gave me but I do remember naivly believing him and making plans to see him the next day. I gave him his cookies and everything between us was romantic and wonderful. While hanging out at his place he got called away to the ship for some emergency. He told me to just stay there for awhile and should be back soon. So there I was in an apartment shared by two guys all by myself. What was a girl to do but snoop around. I don't know what I was looking for, maybe some dirty magazines or something. Certainly not what I actually found. On the top of his closet was a professional picture of him with another lady. This may not seem like a big deal except for the fact that he had told me he never had a girlfriend before. I'll never forget what was written on the other side of the picture. To my loving husband ***** love, *****. Yep you read that right husband. So maybe he never had a girlfriend before just a WIFE! My snooping around before was nothing compared to the snooping I did after the new discovery. Ten minutes later I had reviewed his entire bank register which was in both of their names. My favorite check was written to some flower shop on Valentines Day and no I did not get flowers from him. She was in a different state while he was stationed in San Diego. Somehow I managed to find the department store she worked at and the number. I sat on his bed and made two phone calls. One was to my best friend to get her butt over there to console me as soon as possible and the second to the wife. Yep, sure did. I'm still proud of myself for that. She of coarse was shocked and I got off the phone feeling very sorry for her. At least he didn't make marriage vows to me. The whole day was not spent in total despair. I had a lot of fun throwing his boots against his bedroom walls and crumbling his Valentine cookies all over his bed and under the sheets. My friend was walking all over the place trying to find something to steal. She was a true friend who loved me and wanted to make sure they get the message you don't mess with Tara. As we were walking to the car I asked her what she took. She responded with a smile on her face, "the one thing they will miss more than anything......the remote control" All I can say is total satisfaction.

One of my very favorite Valentine memories was in 1997. I was still somewhat heartbroken from a relationship (not the marine thank God I do have some dignity) not working out a few months prior. I was looking forward to spending Valentines day on a romantic date with my best friend and love of my life Jesus. In those single days I remember spending long periods of time journaling and reading my bible daily but this day was going to be different. I had no pity on myself for being single and honestly felt like I had the best date anyone could ever imagine. I packed a picnic lunch for us and brought along some other momentos of our relationship. We drove to our favorite spot and sat leisurely talking to eachother. There is nothing like spending focused time with someone that loves you so perfectly. I drank in his love and dined on the heavenly meal. I left our time together feeling cherished, loved, valued and on top of the world. A very beautiful day spent.

Another memorable Valentines day was the first one spent with Rod. We were not officially dating yet but had been talking on the phone for one month and mutually had expressed serious feelings for one another. I was working at Neiman Marcus and it was pouring rain that day. All day at work I was hoping that maybe there would be a special delivery. Right before I was off my mom called me to tell me there was something waiting for me at home. Rod had a dozen long stem lavender roses sent to me with a stuffed bear attached to them. I have to also add lavender roses are not easy to find. There was also a beautiful card and a recording of the song "Thinking of You" by Trisha Yearwood. The flowers were beautiful and fragrant but the words exchanged that day both written in his card and what we shared on the phone are what will be forever etched in my memory. It was that day that I knew I was going to marry this man. It was that day that God gave me a glimpse of the the love that he had desired for me from another man. Our love story from that day to our wedding day is truly unique and maybe even blog worthy for another day and another post. The short of it is we did get married and will be celebrating our 10th beautiful Valentines Day together this year.

One fear I had in getting married was that my relationship with the Lord was going to lose it's depth or even be replaced all together. Rod and I had the best intentions going into it. The theme of our wedding was "He makes one of two" and we made it very clear to each other that we could never be more than the second greatest love in each others life with Christ always holding the first spot. In Rod's proposal letter he wrote, "it is not that I love you less than best, but second best is going to have to do for you, because I am committed to spend the rest of my life in love with the two of you." Even with the best intentions and two people who love God deeply life happens. Now I know why Paul said it is better to be single. I do strongly believe that God has gifted and wired me in such a way to be the one to love my handful of a husband. He accepts my crazy past, crazy present and commited to my crazy future. He is my miracle. Although my relationship with Christ is different from before we were married it is much richer and my husband continues to challenge, inspire and lead me daily to a closer walk with my Lord.

I know this post is becoming record length. If you're actually still reading this thank you and hang on I'm about to embark into even a different subject. I've been carrying this burden around with me lately. No matter what I try to do it doesn't escape me. Overall things are going well. I'm very content and fulfilled staying home right now with my kiddos. Ok so maybe sometimes my life seems rather boring and monotonous but who doesn't think that at times. I honestly feel so blessed on this Valentines Day that God has enabled me to be the best mama for Rhett and Emersen even in the day to day grind. In addition to being surrounded by my fabulous family I also love that my friends seem like family and I get to see them so often. My life is good, very good.

In spite of things rolling along pleasantly this burden plagues me. For those of you who know my usual issues it's not any kind of physical health concern. It's more like a fear and regret that has decided to camp out deep in my soul. It's something that in and of itself cannot really change unless I change. I've been seeking the Lord about it frequently over the past few days telling him I need some kind of breakthrough so it doesn't start seeping out like poison on to the ones I love. Unfortunately I'm sure Rod has felt it at times through my attitude. I'm not going to share what the burden is however I would like to share the words that have finally penetrated my heart enough to give me peace.

A few days ago I was finishing the book Breathe by Keri Wyatt Kent. I've been reading this book off and on since Christmas. The main theme of the book is finding ways to slow down and simplify your life thus making more room for God to speak. One thing I really liked about the book was the chapter on keeping a Sabbath. This was convicting for me because my schedule is set up right now so everyday is the same. I do the same chores, same fun stuff, same cooking, same internet searches, same reading etc. Even if my kids need to be fed everyday and dishes need to be washed everyday I do feel convicted about having a day set apart to rest more. I would love for my family to have a day together where we are more intentional about time together, rest, quiet and learning about Jesus and his ways. The other aspect of the book I really liked was eliminating hurry from my life. I feel like I spend so much time rushing my son along which is futile because he will never no matter how much I try go as fast as I would like. I just end of getting more and more stressed which in turn gets him stressed. I totally agree with Richard Foster when he wrote: "In contemporary society our Adeversary majors in three things: noise, hurry, and crowds. If he can keep us engaged in 'muchness' and 'manyness,' he will rest satisfied." Oh my gosh I just went into a whole new subject matter. If anyone is counting that would be #4. Anyways this was not what spoke to me about my burden but I thought worth sharing nonetheless. Back to my point.

Just when I was feeling pretty hopeless that God was not going to speak I read the last chapter in the book Breathe. She was writing about the problem with focusing on what we don't have whether it is money, relationships or something else. This line is what got me, "such thoughts are a burden that will sink your soul and distract your heart from all that God wants to give you." That's exactly how I felt. She went on to write the following words: "Not that all my problems or challenges disappear. They just get put into proper perspective. I see them through Jesus, with Jesus. In the context of that relationship, I have a companion to walk beside me, yoked to me, who bears my burdens with me. He is the only one who loves me perfectly. My spouse, my parents, my kids, and my friends love me, but just as I love them- imperfectly. They can't love me perfectly. They're human. But Jesus loves me perfectly." I realized the thoughts on my mind may not go away as fast as I would like them to. I know there will not be a quick fix to this burden. But being reminded that Jesus understands my heart and will be my companion through it is what I needed to hear.

On this Valentines Day I do hope to spend some sweet time with the man that loves me like no other and who has the greatest impact on me. I will also be celebrating that no one not even my man can replace my perfect love.

Happy Valentines Day!!